Do you feel, the weight of the world singing sorrow?

I'm dreading tomorrow, but I'm trying not to focus on it.
Today was a relatively good day.
The Eagles DESTROYED the Rams, 38-3.
The Phillies won the first game of a doubleheader with the Mets, 6-2.

Uncle John's memorial service is tomorrow.
It's a really stressful time right now, trying to get everything together for that, all the plans set and still concentrating on school.

My dad wrote a speech thing for the service, it is so amazing, no lie.
It talked about how Uncle John, to some, had so little, but to those who knew him, he had so much.
He loved everyone he knew and we all loved him.
He had fun in any situation.
He taught us all to not take ourselves so seriously.
He might not have had the trappings of a successful life, in the material sense, but he had it better off than any rich person.
He's missed greatly <3

I'm sick and tired of writing songs about you

I'm walking a thin, thin line these days.
Teetering on the edge of completely fucked up and a little bit insane.
No one understands, either.
I feel like, at this point, I'm just going through the motions and that will increase once I go back to school.
I can't afford this.
I'm not getting attached to anything, either.
I think it's all ripped away too quickly.

Fuck. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm honestly scared, that when I turn seventeen or so, it will be discovered I'm like my brother.
What would become of me then?
My hopes, my dreams, my ideals?
It would all go down the drain.

God.
Andrew turned 26 today.
He's my hero.
I cried while watching his Hurley Studio videos, btw.
"Swim" is so beautiful.
His voice is beautiful.
I can't wait till the Glass Passenger, for real.

But I'm not impressed, and I'm definitely not excited

God, I'm fucking done.
My emotional state of being has been thrown around so carelessly lately.
I go from one end of the spectrum to the other.
But, then again, I realized today that I don't have as many mood fluctuations as people think.

It seems I do, because on the surface, I go from being happy to upset in an instant.
And I overreact, in some people's minds, a LOT.
But what really is occurring isn't a mood swing at all -
it's the emotion that is under my thin surface coming to the top, when a little thing infuriates me.
I am constantly putting up a front, pretending to be happy - but I'm not.
Rarely am I truly happy, anymore.
So really - it's not a mood swing.
It's a breaking of my barrier that I put up between myself and the rest of the world.


The Phillies and their pathetic play of late aren't helping.
Maybe all that will change come Flyers season, but I can't predict how that season will go.
I can't hope that it will go better than last, that's asking a lot of the team.
I just hope they play with as much heart as last year, and they continue to play Flyers hockey.

Whatever.

xoxo,
megan.